The anticipation was nearly overwhelming. The trip had been exhausting, the waits in various airport terminals long, the chaos of the throngs of pilgrims diffuse. Finally, however, we boarded our buses and headed for the city in which our Prophet (peace be upon him) was born and where the Message began.

The road to Mecca was tan, dusty, and desert through and through. I could not help but be overcome with fatigue and sleep, despite my discomfort for being so "naked" in my ihram [the loose white garment worn by all male pilgrims]. Yet, what kept me going was the knowledge that, soon, I was to come face to face with God's House that Abraham (pbuh) built. Soon, Mecca approached, and I was simultaneously surprised and disappointed. Mecca looked like any other ancient Middle Eastern city, with its packed shops, small, dusty streets, and narrow alleyways. Somehow, I expected the city of the Prophet's birth to be impeccably maintained and sparkling throughout. How else should his city be treated?

My disappointment, however, melted away as soon as I saw it. It played "hide and seek" with me: with each turn of the bus, I would catch a glimpse of the majestic white marble of its walls that would disappear. But, we did not go to the Grand Mosque right away: we had to go to our hotel and get our room keys and deposit our luggage. As soon as I got my key, I dropped my bags and almost ran to the mosque, my wife in hand.

My breath was taken away as I approached the mosque that housed the House of God. Its tall, beautifully ornamented walls and shining marble floors seemed to be a piece of Heaven placed in the midst of this dusty city. It almost had a glow all of its own, independent of the hot, daytime sun that beamed down upon us. I entered into the gate and saw it rise before me: the brick cube covered with a black shroud with gold scripture, the Ka'abah, the House of God that Abraham built. I could barely speak and tears streamed down my face as I finally beheld the structure toward which I had prayed five times a day, every single day, ever since I was nine years old. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and its image was burned in my consciousness for all time.

As I entered into its sacred domain and performed the tawwaf [circumnavigation], I could not help but be humbled. It was something that I needed. Being a physician, I am surrounded by people who think the world of me and claim that their lives are in my hands. It is something that can easily go to my head, as it has done for countless physicians across the globe. I continually try to resist this temptation, and being at the Ka'abah reminded me that I am nothing, and He is everything. Being in His presence, I had no illusion of being on the same plane with Him. He was Master, I was servant.

Yet, as I continued to walk around His cube, praying and talking to Him, that feeling of being overpowered went away and was replaced by a comforting feeling of friendship and closeness that has stayed with me ever since. I came into His house a fearful, groveling servant and left it a smiling, comforted friend. I knocked upon His door, and He answered me with open arms.

We finished our 'umrah [the lesser pilgrimage which precedes the Hajj rites] and stayed in Mecca a while before going to Medina to visit the Prophet (pbuh). We came back just as the Hajj rituals were about to begin on the 8th of Dhull Hijjah. We spent the night in Mina and then proceeded to the most important moment in all of the Hajj: standing on the plain of Arafah.

Our accommodations were comfortable enough: a large, carpeted steel structure that was air-conditioned. We had plenty of food and drink, and we spent much of the day in quiet reflection and worship. Yet, when it came time for Asr prayer, the meaning of what I was doing came crashing down. At this moment, I was standing alone before my Lord with nothing but my sins and disobedience to show for myself.

Ever since I was born, He has blessed me with life, breath, sight, sound, touch, and strength. He gave me life when I was dead, in an act of ultimate love and benevolence. He has given me everything good and pure in my life, and He has blessed me with the means and ability to make this trip to Him and shout, "Here I am, O Lord, at Your service." And when I finally came before Him and said, "Here I am," all I could muster to bring back to Him were my sins.

I burst in quiet sobs as I bowed in prostration begging His pardon. The more I reflected over His grace and my insolence, the more I sobbed; the more ashamed I became; the more pathetic I felt. I did not know what to say to Him, and so all I could do was sob. Yet, you know what He did? He put His hand on my head and told me, "It's all right...you are forgiven." And as the sun set, like my Prophet (pbuh) told me, I was born anew, sinless once more.

The Hajj was the most powerful experience I have ever had, and its sights, sounds, and smells are as fresh today as they were nearly six years ago when I performed the once-in-a-lifetime trek to Mecca. Even though I am thousands upon thousands of miles away, I am called home by His house and the sacred precincts. When others are blessed to go on their trips of a lifetime, I am filled with unspeakable joy, because I know they will get to experience this beauty like I did.

And though I am not performing the Hajj this year, I happily fast on the Day of Arafah, the 9th of Dhul Hijjah, in solidarity with my fellow brothers and sisters who are standing before God on the plain of Arafah and going through their own confessions thousands of miles away. Even though it is hard for me to fast when it is not Ramadan (my coffee dependence is just too strong), on this day it is a welcome sacrifice because it reminds me of the day that I did the same thing. The anguish and sobs were a drastically needed cathartic, and afterwards I felt free and refreshed, relieved of the burden of sin and estrangement that is an inevitable part of the human condition.

Although the effects of the Hajj have faded over the last six years, and my hair has long since grown ever since I shaved it, the memories of the Hajj will always live on. And I am grateful for the fast of Arafah to remind me, each and every year, of how beautiful it was to stand, with humility, before God.

What a beautifully moving narration. Thank you for that.

Uhum. I assume this spiritually enlightening haj took place before the iPod came along.

With all due respect to all you people who get emotional so easily. Haj today is basically a 'tourist destination.' Sort of a Muslim vacation trip, which is why Muslims get so sobby about it. Because they cannot get on a Cruise Ship full of naked Westerners and go visit Alaska (full of naked seals) or Hawaii (full of naked humans), the Haj is one of the few "halal" vacations, the average Muslim can indulge in.

Let's see. You get on a jumbo 747, top of the line. Land in Jeddah within 12 hours, straight to a 5-star hotel on a Mercedes taxi, whisked around Mecca in air-conditioned tents and buses. Back home within one week. Boom, done, dusted, all for a paltry two months pay!!! Does this sound like a standard American 'Vacation Package' to you??? Sure it does.

Do take the trouble to read Travels of ibn Jubayr to find out what is a "real" Haj.

Do take the trouble to read Travels of ibn Jubayr to find out what is a "real" Haj.>>>

I think a real Hajj happens inside someone's heart. If the majority of the people are there for a tourist gig, that's their expereince. Historically, Hajj was the site of a lot of people who went there for no other purpose than an opportunity to trade. The Travels of Ibn Buttatta can be enlightening too.

>> I think a real Hajj happens inside someone's heart. <<

Ah yes, THE HEART. The usual sufi excuse for doing away with organized religion. Some mystical willy nilly organ in the body with metaphysical powers. Leaves little room for debate does'nt it? Anytime you try to point out some injustice or inconsistency, "Oh its all in the heart".

- "Excuse me, this man just ran over the old lady right in the middle of the road!"
- "How do you know, did you look in his heart?".
- !@#$%^&*

Ah yes, THE HEART. The usual sufi excuse for doing away with organized religion>>>

Okay, so I guess you're either Hajibaba or his clone. Hear a word and project your favorite fetish diatribe onto it. Bravo.

Muslim Woman walking around in tight jeans and low-cut tops.

- "Hey sister, how come you do not observe hijab?"
- "I don't need to wear hijab on my head, because hijab is what is in your heart."
- !@#$%^&*

>>(my coffee dependence is just too strong),

I feel you, brother. All the better that we have Ramadan and naafila fasting to make us aware of these dependencies, eh ;-)

>>Do take the trouble to read Travels of ibn Jubayr to find out what is a "real" Haj.

Ibn Jubair is long dead; what we're really interested in, 'greybeard', is how long did it take you to walk to Makka, then? How many nights did *you* sleep out in the open, with only bread and water and then asked them to extend the Hajj so you can rough it even longer, lol... Get Some, hard charger!

"Hey sister, how come you do not observe hijab?"
- "I don't need to wear hijab on my head, because hijab is what is in your heart."
- !@#$%^&*>>>>


Your fetish is showing, dear.

>>> With all due respect to all you people who get emotional so easily. Haj today is basically a 'tourist destination.' Sort of a Muslim vacation trip, which is why Muslims get so sobby about it. Because they cannot get on a Cruise Ship full of naked Westerners and go visit Alaska (full of naked seals) or Hawaii (full of naked humans), the Haj is one of the few "halal" vacations, the average Muslim can indulge in.

Only someone who has never seen (or can not see) the diversity of the Ummah or experienced the classless and raceless unity of the trip itself would say something this ... twisted. Without question, noone is compelled to walk in the massive crowd, use the paltry public facilities or bear the smells and germs of both poor and wealthy trekking to Mina. Noone is compelled to dress up in the simple garb or shave their hair or dress ultra modestly .. for a "vacation".

I know personally of people who have worked their entire lives to perform their Hajj. Grown men reduced to tears. Most of the experience of the Hajj itself, is outside the politics and class divisions of the day. That is the experience of the Hajji and that cannot be diminished by a cynical narrow mindedness. It is not romantic or moralistic. It is that space between psychology and science (that's sometimes called spirituality) that only an exposed and vulnerable human being can experience but will always struggle to express.

>> Ibn Jubair is long dead; what we're really interested in, 'greybeard', is how long did it take you to walk to Makka, then? How many nights did *you* sleep out in the open, with only bread and water and then asked them to extend the Hajj so you can rough it even longer, lol... Get Some, hard charger!

WORD! Are we attracting more and more angry people or what?

WORD! Are we attracting more and more angry people or what?>>>

No Ghulam, this posting board is an unattended garden where the site owners clearly don't care that one person is allowed to singlehandedly target every poster here and attack them no matter what they say. This guy's collected posts are frequently contradictory of each other which clearly means he is doing nothing more than attacking whatever is said. I don't think he even believes 90% of what he says, but just says it to insult, hurt, and hopefully get a rise out of people. This is why very few people post here for more than a day or two. The well is poisoned and there's nobody to take out the garbage. This is my last post, which means I am allowing this element to win. Ghulam, your have been the posts that I have consistently enjoyed. You have always been sober and polite and exhibited clear thinking. My advice to you is, if you don't have other boards that are more healthy, find one and get off this Flying Dutchman. The articles are great, this board is a miasma. The site owners should close this board to comments for a few months and air it out.

>> This guy's collected posts are frequently contradictory of each other which clearly means he is doing nothing more than attacking whatever is said.

This is actually a common problem in discussion threads. Certain people are intent on sabotaging the discussion. I think the good posters far outnumber the bad. I actually consider altmuslim a discussion board. It provides very little news or information. Its mostly editorial. I have other sites for information. But what I do think is that understanding the nature of the discussions that go wrong, in some way informs us as to why political situations have gone wrong.

>> You have always been sober and polite and exhibited clear thinking

Thanks, though I tend to get irreverent myself. I'm working on it. If you have info to add, please do, but if you must go...

Whats with the grumpiness Karen?

The story is beautifully told. Will you tell us of the rest of your Hajj experience, Dr. Hassaballa?

A beautiful recounting. To visit Makkah, Madinah, the Prophet [S], jabl-Rahmah, and so forth, are all deeply moving experiences. May Allah accept the Hajj of you, your wife, and all the other pilgrims that went and may He frequently invite you back to His House. Amin.